Category Archives: Wiseassery

Very punny

Someone was ranting about how drug “attics” (addicts) are out of control …

“Everybody knows the issue isn’t the drug attics. The issue is the drug cellars.”

Wish I’d thought of that one…

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Bed hogs, I mean, dogs

​So I sleep in the spare bedroom when I have a cough or a crick in my neck. I have more room and Paul and I don’t disturb each other’s sleep as much.  Tonight he was gathering the dogs for bedtime and Nala jumped up with me and hid her nose in my armpit so that the then-annoyed cat (who was here first) couldn’t find her.  I sighed and let her sleep with me. 
Needless to say she’s a bed hog.  I literally don’t have room to lay flat on my back. And she pushes back!
In comes Geezer Sam, looking for me.  He has to make sure we are all in our places before he settles down.  He comes in sniffing and figures out I’m here.  He decides to try and jump up to sleep with me,  can’t quite make it but manages a perfect squeaky old man fart before he does that circle thing on the edge of my comforter that’s trailing on the floor and starts snoring as only he can.
Now I’m wide awake, laughing, and not sleepy anymore at all. 
I think I may go back in to sleep with Paul, cough and crick or no… this is gonna be a heck of a night.

Feliz Naughty Dog!

Our beagle Sam the geezer dog is very attached to me. Whenever I leave the house without him he gets upset and gets into the kitchen trash. We’ve finally figured out that he can’t get to the kitchen trash if it’s up on the kitchen counter. Score for us, clever homo sapiens sapiens!

 

Now, of course, he finds other things to get into.  The recycling bin. Shoes. Laundry – the more, er, personal the item, the better. Ew.

 

Today he outdid himself. He must have had quite the plan. After cleaning up the normal array of chewed up cardboard, breadbags and cans, I found an abandoned cereal box next to the dog door. I picked it up and was surprised that it wasn’t empty. Oh. No. Sure enough, he’d pulled the cereal box off the shelf and tried to get into the rings o’ goodness inside. Because dogs are [i]carnivores[/i].

 

Chewed up cereal box
[center]At least they’re Gluten Free![/center]

 

I hollered “Saaaam!” in my best Rita Moreno voice, which isn’t very effective since he’s mostly deaf, and stomped angrily over to show the evidence to the Yngrdttr.

 

Exasperated, she exclaimed “Aaaaugh! Sam! That’s not even the right way to open a cereal box!”

 

Um.

 

Well, she’s not wrong.

Gettin’ mad

​Parenting dilemma: what do you do when your child confides in you that something at school is really making her “pissed out.” 😂
Once I stopped snickering we discussed the various alternatives, wondered once again why all non religious curse words either involve urinating, defecating, or fornicating.  Apparently there wasn’t anything wrong, she was just trying the phrase on for size.
We also discussed how “getting pissed” also means getting drunk, which makes more sense than getting angry.
I think maybe we need to start learning curse words in a foreign language…

For the archives

Reminiscing about childhood:

“Yeah, Mommy, I was looking at an old picture of myself and I know it was before I was three, my face was all silent.”
Looking forward to her niece being born:

“Rat yawns are cute, I bet baby yawns are cute, too.”

 

Ah, home ownership…

New space age fridge replaced our old 1980’s bought-from-Craigslist-delight. The noises it was making were far too avalanche-like to ignore anymore. After a false start involving the digital display, everything is now a go, Houston. As soon as we renovate the floor so it fits where it’s supposed to, we will even have ICE! Imagine the poshness…

Ordered an equally fancy schmancy gas stove to replace the cranky “I will boil your food whether you want me to or not” glass top electric stove that can also cast off the oven handle to escape predators.  We haven’t told the electric stove yet but it’s headed for that happy recycling center in the sky.

My canner is not supposed to go on a glass-top electric stove anyway.

Once we prised the stove from it’s pre-Cambrian nest of grease and pulled it out, we discovered that there is no gas hookup. We also discovered a somehow pristine brand new pencil and a rather road-weary McDonald’s happy meal toy Barbie, but they weren’t any help. Linnae has taken them into her custody. We’ve called Davis Plumbers who by now recognize our number after the Water Heater Debacle of 2016. Just kidding, it wasn’t a debacle. Just a minor discommodation. Who needs a hot bath, anyway?

I’ll keep you posted, I’m sure our appliance woes have you on the edge of your seat.