This man’s post really resonated with me.
When I’m hypomanic in a good way, everything “comes together” and just feels like it’s “meant to be,” which, while *feeling* positive, is similar to what he’s describing – connecting unrelated incidences and drawing an incorrect conclusion.
No, just because someone knows the same answer to a trivia question I do and is wearing pants the same color does NOT mean we are fated to be together. No, just because something pretty catches my eye at the store and happens to have three options does NOT mean I have to buy all three… And no, just because I’ve had some sort of epiphany or someone else “gets” an idea I’ve had does NOT mean it’s genius. Or original. Or even makes any sense whatsoever when I’m not hypomanicky, alas. I have only experienced full-blown Mania couple times and oddly, I *knew* my perceptions were incorrect and my behavior was harmful but it was like being a tiny observer watching myself, trapped.
And anxiety, oh my. Trying to read people’s body language and intonation is excruciating. No, the actual words people say are lies, of course. If they weren’t lying their eyes wouldn’t have darted off like that or they wouldn’t have taken so long to respond. If they liked talking to me, they wouldn’t have put their weight on their back foot a little to get away from me. Why are they looking across the room? Are they bored? They’re too quiet, I made them angry..
If they didn’t mean to intimidate me, they wouldn’t have come up behind me and put their hand on my shoulder like that. Or loomed over me, kissing my head or touching me was just a distraction, they really just wanted me to know I’m smaller and weaker than them.
If they weren’t manipulating me, why are there inconsistencies in what they just said and what they said the last time we talked about this? Or am I going crazy misremembering what they said? They are lying to me to make me feel crazy. Or maybe I just *am* crazy…
Obviously in those situations my perception and internal reasoning skills are not functioning properly. But when it’s happening, I’m almost helpless to stop it. It’s draining and often terrifying, which doesn’t help at all. Staying away from any chemical or physical situations that exacerbate things is a must. Staying away from people is not so easy. And loved ones are helpless, even if they try to correct my perceptions, I’m lost in those perceptions at the moment, logical explanation won’t penetrate the pandemonium. Obviously if logic worked I wouldn’t be ill, would I?
No one really knows how mental disorders work or why some treatments help more than others. Each person is an amalgam of quirky chemistry, experiences, and habits. Reading posts like these really helps me sometimes, knowing that others are out there trying to piece things together and march onward.